Gateway Model United Nations

Resolutions from

Resolution FRIV-01

Passed

Re: Propellers For Cows

Submitted to: General People

Submitted by: Oompa Loompa Land

Date: March 98, 2092

Concerned with Cows being kept in,

Feeling necessity of flight,

Noting that Cows are huge,

Be It Hereby Resolved That:

1. Governments pay for the building and connecting of jet propellers for Cows, which will be mounted as far away from the cow’s posterior as possible to prevent potential methane gas explosions. In the event of a blast, meat grinders will be affixed to the propellers along with packets of barbecue sauce. Barbequed beef for everyone!

2. Cows get big fake grins because flying is fun. Yay!

3. Falling cow turds will be an excellent source of free fertilizer,

4. Only sane cows be granted the freedom of flight and British and French cows must undergo testing for Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (Mad Cow Disease).

5. The exploding cows mentioned in clause one be employed in Fourth of July celebrations as they provide both food, fun, and look really cool.

Resolution FRIV-02

Passed

Re: Vodka and Orange Juice

Submitted to: General Assembly

Submitted by: Doesn’t Matter

Date: February 3, 2001

Noting that UN debates are long and tedious,

And that delegates become tired and frustrated,

Be It Hereby Resolved That:

1. Every delegate be issued two 4 oz glasses of vodka each hour,

2. Orange juice will be provided to accompany the vodka,

3. Designated drivers will be provided,

4. All UN member must be under the influence of some substance (alcohol, drugs,

caffeine, hormones, or religious fervor),

5. Other drinks will be provided upon request,

6. A UN dance party will be held with Janet Reno to be the moderator.

Resolution FRIV-03

Passed

Re: Establishment of the Peoples’ Fiefdom of South City

Submitted to: Whoever Really Cares

Submitted by: Georgia

Date: February 3, 2001

Recognizing the unique culture of the area of St. Louis designated as, “South City,” and

Aware of the distinct qualities of South City, including roll-out trash carts, alleys, and

eclectic, yet tasteful homes,

Convinced of the fact that South City is its own country in all but political terms,

Be It Hereby Resolved That the United Nations:

Respect the establishment of the Peoples’ Fiefdom of South City, an autonomous, self-governing city-state comprising the area currently referred to as South City.

Recognize that the boundaries of the Peoples’ Fiefdom of South City (PFSC) are as follows;

Eastern boundary: Broadway/Jefferson to be renamed “Maginal Line”

Western boundary: River Des Peres to be renamed “River Despair”

Northern boundary: Chouteau/Manchester to be renamed “Avenue of the Patriots”

Southern boundary: Loughborough which is to keep it’s own name.

Allow the PFSC to require passports for movement between the PFSC and the rest of the world,

Acknowledge the capital and seat of government of the PFSC be headquartered at Ted Drewe’s Frozen Custard located on Chippewa,

Recognize that Foreign Embassies will be located in Lui’s Chop Suey on the corner of Jefferson and Chouteau.

Recognize the ruler of the PFSC as Elmo,

Urge its member nations, including the United States, to support South City in its struggle to adapt to its newfound independence,

Refrain from interfering in PFSC operation, which may include, but are not limited to: loud speech, the wearing of “wife beater” shirts, one or more rusty Ford pickup trucks mounted on blocks in the driveway, and excessive consumption of such South City goodies as Ted Drewe’s, Hodack’s Fried Chicken, Merb’s candies, items from the Donut Drive-in, and far from the many Bosnian restaurants no multiplying like jackrabbits along Kingshighway, Chippewa, Grand, and other South City thoroughfares.

The major exports of the PFSC will be Anheuser Busch beer, Ted Drewe’s Frozen Custard, and Toasted Ravioli. All will be heavily taxed and there will also be a tax on all flying Animals,

Tower Grove Park will be bulldozed in order to build an Aeroflot hub,

Anti-cow-craft guns will be used around the borders to prevent flying cow invasions,

Approve the annexation of SLUH (St. Louis University High School),

Promote International South City Day, to be held of February 29 of every year, a day in which the “uniqueness” of South City is celebrated.

Recognize the currency of South City to be toast, renowned for its value to the international community, some say more than platinum. Once slice of toast shall approximately equal one American Dollar. Ten butter pats shall equal one toast, on butter pat being worth ten American cents.

Acknowledge that this resolution is utter garbage, created on a caffeine-induced high at 2:00 Saturday morning because Jamie Jacobsmeyer thought it would be funny. Nevertheless, maybe it would be good for the rest of the country to distance themselves from South City. Oh well, nighty-night.

Resolution FRIV-04

Re: Pop tart Chairs in School

Submitted to: General Assembly

Submitted by: ME (Scott Stewart)

Date: Today (February 3, 2001)

Seeing as lunch in school is too little and,

Deeply concerned about our appetites and,

Noting that lunch food is meager,

Be It Hereby Resolved That:

Seating facilities should be produced and artificially flavored by Kellogg,

These seats should be sent to schools on a regular schedule

3. Students may quell their appetite by eating these chairs daily.

Resolution FRIV-05

Re: The Lack of Overdue Lay-Z Boys

Submitted to: (Whoever will listen)

Submitted by: (Maria Rodriguez)

Date: (February 3, 2001)

Noting a resolution made last year to provide all MUN session with specially equipped

Lay-Z Boys,

Observing the gray plastic POS chair I’m sitting in right now,

Noting the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach due to the numbness of my butt,

Be It Hereby Resolved That:

1. Arthur get us our ding-dang freakin’ LAY-Z BOYS.

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